she made me want to vanish.

by Spirit Waves

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1.
i want a love where nothing hurts i want a life where something will change i want nothing more than to love you but i guess that things will just stay the same don't know why i keep searching for meaning in the text she sent like an hour ago the dream is over, i'm sorry son but you've got to go home but i'll keep pushing and i'll keep trying you don't know how many nights i nearly broke down crying i'm always suspecting that you're lying baby i'm stuck to you i'm stuck like glue if you give me a chance i swear i'll make it worth your time when just a smile from you makes it worth all mine i don't know why i always have to define ignorance is such a safer place i really want to hold your hand kiss your lips and make some plans a long distance call that would never end but i can't get through to you but i'll keep pushing and i'll keep trying you don't know how many nights i nearly broke down crying my jealousy suspects that you're lying baby i'm stuck to you i'm stuck like glue
2.
I've become so self-destructive in nature, descended into an awful nomenclature. There are terrorizing facets of my personality that I feel obligated to destroy. There's times that I need you with me, and there's times that I can't have you there. Oh, what a battle that I fight in my mind, I love you, but it's not enough, and that's not fair. So tell me what you want from me, I swear I'll give you anything. There's nothing more that I wish but a kiss from your lips onto mine. Go! So tell me, what do you plan to do when all the walls start falling around you? I don't know, I haven't planned that far ahead yet. I don't know, I haven't planned that far ahead yet. Love is unexpected, you can find love anywhere. Love is unconditional, love is always fair. I know that there are many reasons why I should just give up but there's just a part of me that won't shut the fuck up. I ache for love; can you blame me when it's everywhere that I look? Oh, if only there was recourse for the things that love took. Someone, anyone, break down with me. Maybe what I need is new location, a different shock to the synapses in my brain. But mostly, I think we just need to admit to ourselves that we know that our friendship will never be the same. You, you will fall someday too, I can’t tell you how I know this for sure. You can cry, you can pout, you can curse me, and you can shout, but in the end, no one else will be taking your lure. So tell me what you demand of me, No matter what, you stick so close to me And there’s nothing more that I want but your taunt For me to lean in closely to you Go! So, in the end, I wonder, can we still be friends? Many lovers swore that they’d never back down until the bitter end, but I won’t wait for what’s hopeless, I've got a life to live. As my façade’s implosion draws near, I've got nothing left to give. And you, Oh you someone, anyone break down with me
3.
you make me feel alive you make me feel afraid you make me feel beautiful you make me want to stay you made me feel confident you gave me a reason to breathe but nothing that's good can be true oh and now you're gonna leave don't break it off don't break it off yet! i'm still here i see the couples kissing i wanna feel that so bad instead i lay in my bed just wishing i wanna hold you so bad but no matter how many steps i take or the moves i make all i know for sure is i wanna hold you so bad! i was transfixed on your eyes and amazed at your grace in my mind caressing on your thighs it's your gaze that puts me in my place you made me feel horrible i wanted to kill myself how i survived i'll never know but i know that i'm falling down don't break it off don't break it off yet! i'm still here! i see the couples kissing i wanna feel that so bad instead i lay in my bed just wishing i wanna hold you so bad but no matter how many steps i take or the moves i make all i know for sure is i wanna hold you so bad! i wanna hold you so bad! i wanna hold you so bad! i wanna hold you so bad!
4.
We can go to Austin, New York, or Boston, we can take a train and just get lost in the eccentricities that pepper the city, and in this moonlight you look so pretty 'cause the water in the foreground complements your eyes, and when you confessed your love it came as such a surprise, because for years I'd thought I was unloveable, a monster! I'd ditched all ambitions of love I'd held as a youngster. Yes, you, you're special, and you make me feel complete, you're the skip in my step, the tempo of my beat, and I just don't think this world is ready for us yet... And let's leave this place together, forever! Look in the shop windows, it's such a delight to be anywhere away from that nasty city's plight, and now we're in the big time, the Big Apple, the Queen, and we're wandering through the crowds, we're something obscene 'cause the world doesn't get to see true love that often, but I don't think there's anything we can do to soften the blows on the hearts of those who've never felt this, we should just continue on in our state of unconditional bliss, I mean, who can tell? There's someone in the world for everyone, you just gotta find them, and we did, and now we're having fun, and I just don't think this world is ready for us yet... And let's leave this place together, forever! Oh now, what is this? You say that you don't want to go, well I always knew there'd be some doubt, but I just think that you've got to know you're never gonna find anyone like me again, oh. Let's leave this place together, forever! Let's leave this place together, forever! Let's leave this place together, forever!
5.
the leaves change colors and then fall to the ground nature doesn't care about the trouble it causes so the leaves we clean them up yeah yeah yeah, oh when you're around the town maybe you should just talk to me i think that i'm at least deserving of one good conversation yeah yeah yeah, oh and i can do nothing but apologize for what happened last may we were both just sixteen and we had both been lonely every day so we had a moment but now there's nothing there it's just like you say, there's no use in trying if there's no feelings we can share if there's no feelings we can share second date, we ended up at your place the hotel rates were ridiculous we just wanted to suck face and when your parents came home we panicked and threw our clothes on and i hid in the darkest closet and did my best not to turn the lights on yeah yeah yeah, oh well i am scared of the dark but you've got a little night light attached to the outlet in your closet because you're scared of monsters well i am scared of monsters too i am scared of myself i am scared of the world and i am scared and i can do nothing but apologize for what happened last may we were both just sixteen and we had both been lonely every day so we had a moment but now there's nothing there it's just like you say there's no use in trying if there's no feelings we can share if there's no feelings we can share if there's no feelings we can share
6.
100 Deaths 03:05
i've never died before so i don't know where to start it spreads from the tips of my toes to the bottom of my heart death is a pompous misfit but what deserves my better half if i can find a bead but still wonder why how can this comedy be so sad but when she loves it hurts like i've become some spiders pray but why can't prey tell my sweet escape from another broken cage so do you want it? do you need it why do you insist upon wasting my time? do i get what i deserve a misery that's what it's worth and you see me acting like a fool in san francisco we made love for the first time we could have done it ten years later but i think we're doing just fine in san bonet i must have died for the hundredth time i must have died for the hundredth time i must have died for the hundredth time can't help but doubt i want it if hearts can only break this way and i wasn't good enough to bask in your awkward gaze cuz you don't want it and you don't need it so i'll stop wasting your goddamn time do i get what i deserve a misery that's what it's worth and you see me acting like a fool and you see me acting like a fool and you see me acting like a fool
7.
i'm not as they'd have you believe i'd like to think i have an honest heart but i need to fix myself so please will you take me back into your arms and in your arms i'm floated away in your arms i'm melted away pretty girl with a sunburn bad she's a looker and she's got me had come on phone make my bones ring give me distraction just do the right thing oh when i need you need you here by my side you just go off and you run and you hide oh when i need you need you and you're not there though when you needed me i never cared so in her arms i floated away but in her arms i wanted to stay i've got to find a way to make her see that i think that she's the one for me but i'm so scared, so scared of fucking it up so many failures i've learned that what goes down won't come up oh when i see you see you and you're laying there there's nothing you could do or say to make me feel prepared yeah when i see you see you and you're lookin at me and then i wake up i cursre the gods it's not fair so in her arms i withered away yeah in her arms i faded away and she said i don't want you to get the wrong idea there's nothing between you and me i don't want you to get the wrong idea there's nothing between you and me and it hurts, god it hurts so bad! why do we like to make each other feel so sad but in the end i guess that's how it has to be done something always has to come and ruin my fun do you feel envy can you feel your beauty because you know that i feel that you're the envoy of beauty and you may not be mine but hey at least i've got this song and a few more yeah i still think i've got a few more in me yeah yeah do you believe in magic do you believe in cliche do you believe in deja vu she laughed as she told me "oh i think you said that yesterday!" guess cheesy pick-up lines would never work on you, you're too smart for that all of my bullshit? all of my drama? i guess it's all just old hat, yeah let's just sit back and enjoy this song yeah let's just sit back and watch the stars let's just sit back and enjoy this song yeah let's just sit back and watch the stars let's just sit back and enjoy this song yeah let's just sit back and watch the stars let's just sit back and enjoy this song yeah yeah! yeah yeah, yeah give me a reason to trust you again.
8.
Catch You 03:39
when you're about to fall and the distance is so tall i'll be there to catch you yeah i'll come around and fetch you when you've hit the wall and you don't know who to call i'll be there to set you free from the chains that bind you cause there's a reason that fate sent you to me and told me that i should find you oh! when you're feeling pain when you're goin insane i'll be here to listen yeah i'll sit here and glisten when you're living sin and you listen to this song again i'll be there to save you i'll be there to cleanse your soul and i will never betray you because it's you that makes me whole it's just so scary when you're in the spotlight and everyone's glaring at you with delight and you're feeling so down and out but you're in public you don't get to shout well what if i'm a failure what if they think that i'm a creep what if i act like i'm not will they pick up on my deceit? oh! when you're gonna fall when you're gonna fall i'll be there to catch you yeah i'll be there to catch you when you're gonna fall when you're gonna fall i'll be there to catch you yeah i'll be there to catch you yeah i'll be there to catch you yeah i'll be there to catch you oh!
9.
i've always hated the romantics escaping to their nugatory false realities but god what wouldn't i give just to run with you? blonde hair, blue eyes that stare right into my soul no matter how hard you try though, you can't defy gravity the sun will melt the wax that holds your wings together and you will die in self-constructed agony it's not like she's the first and she certainly won't be the last but god what i would give just to make you love me you'll use her to fill a void in yourself but what happens when that void doesn't fill you'll use her to fill a void in yourself but what happens when she's gone now that i know that i can't have you i'd prefer to fade away but you're still clutching to my arm begging me "baby, please just stay" and it's not that i don't want to but i just don't wanna be around because although you make me very happy you can't help but bring me down and now i'm back, back, back at your front door keep on sayin i won't play these games no more i'm back, back, back at your front----
10.
i know your life's a wreck because i made it that way but i can't help that you had the effect on me that you did that day and i don't wanna be alone but i feel a need to move closer as time goes by i'm growing more stagnant as i'm getting older and i wanna learn to dance i wanna learn to kiss i don't want time to pass me by there are things that i don't wanna miss i want to be something and i wanna love someone oh oh oh how oh how i wanna love someone! yeah! will she make it through the night or will she die of fright it's too early to tell they said but she's certainly putting up a fight like a death bed in eerie calm or the lyrics in one of my sad songs open up your eyes you say to me but i'm blind and i can't see and i wanna learn to dance i wanna learn to kiss i don't want time to pass me by there are things that i don't want to miss i wanna be something and i wanna love someone oh oh oh how oh how i wanna love someone! yes i do! yes yes! yes i do yes yes yes i do! yes i do! a-you too! and i am crushed! i am crushed! yes yes, i am crushed! you have broken my heart into a thousand pieces! you have broken my heart into a thousand pieces! you have broken my heart! i wanna learn to dance i wanna learn to kiss i don't want time to pass me by there are things that i don't want to miss i want to be something and i wanna love someone oh oh oh how oh how i gotta love someone yes i do yes i do yes i do yes i do yes i do yes i do yes i do yeah yeah! yes i do! yeah yeah oh
11.
the guilt absofuckinglutely tore me to pieces will i still soldier on when i still haven't got a shoulder on which to rest my weary rest my weary rest my weary head but i haven't got a bead on it, no sir haven't got a clue i'm still lost without a matchbook and only my flickering dying flame killing my fame i live in shame no lovers to speak of and nothing to my name but i haven't got a bead on it, no haven't got the answer i haven't got a bead on it, no no clue you can have it all you can have it all you can have it all you can have it all you can have it all you can have it all you can have it all you can have it all but i haven't got a bead on it, no sir haven't got the answer i'm still lost without a matchbook and only my flickering, dying flame killing my fame, i live in shame no lover to speak of and nothing to my name no i haven't got the bead on it, no, haven't got the answer but i haven't got a bead on it no clues, no clue well i've crossed so many people and i've crossed so many places just to be here today with you how can you play me like that? just like cards... it's like you don't don't don't care well someday you'll pay for the awful things that you've done and may the devil have mercy upon you and you condemned me to depression i hope he takes your soul but i haven't got a bead on it, no haven't got the answer i'm still lost without a matchbook and only my flickering dying flame killing my fame i live in shame no lovers to speak of and nothing to my name but i haven't got a bead on it, no i haven't got the answer but i haven't got a bead on it, no haven't got the answer yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh ho yeah yeah! yeah yeah yeah! but i haven't got a bead on it, no sir haven't got the answer i'm still lost without a matchbook and only my flickering, dying flame killing my fame, i live in shame no lover to speak of, and nothing to my name but i haven't got a bead on it, no haven't got the answer still lost without a matchbook and only my flickering, dying flame killing my fame, i live in shame, no lover to speak of and nothing to my name oh no
12.
and always in the aftermath you realize how low you really went your dramatic self deprecation attack only came off as an attention seeking act and you've become some hurtful thing a twisted reflection of a beautiful being and in the end was it all worth it? well i guess i feel a little better she doesn't even care about you she's preoccupied with some other guy and you just have to convince yourself that she wasn't really all that great anyway preacher preacher absolve me of sin i don't know where to turn and i'm not christian but i guess you deserve a chance to get me out of this rut whatever's gonna save me like god or karma or i don't know what i'm just lost in desperation there's something i can't find and i'm hoping that by giving you my blind trust you'll help me find someone to make mine and she doesn't really even care about you she's preoccupied with some other guy and you just have to convince yourself that she wasn't really all that great anyway
13.
I Never Met 03:43
i never met a girl kind enough to hold my hand they always desire to pick apart the tenets by which i stand they want to change my hair because it bothers them well if i'm such a goddamned bother why don't you go be with him i never met a girl that aimed to keep me warm i shivered on your front porch all night to get swallowed up by the storm i never met a girl that i felt like i could trust and i never met a girl where in my heart there didn't lurk lust i never met a man that wasn't after his own interest you set something pretty in the room now they're only dressed to impress but who the fuck am i to be mad at someone's happiness i guess i never had any for myself but i promise i'm doing my best i never met a man that wasn't trying to score they always want to break their hearts so they can leave them wanting more i never met a man that wasn't a lying fake and i never met a man that didn't deal in heartbreak woah! woah! i never met myself so i don't know who i am i don't know why i think i'm superior to the rest of them i don't know why i'm angry most of the time i'm sad i've got nowhere to send my love and i should feel bad

about

"a lo-fi acoustic friendzone rock odyssey sure to rock heads and roll beds. nothing but one-sided self-entitlement circlewankery. fun for the whole family! this is the 1st official SPIRIT WAVES LP, and was written over the course of two major heartbreaks and a whole lot of self-deprecation and soul searching. initially, the album was considered unfinished and this was a collection of demos, but in early 2016 i went back and remastered it/added a few well-needed extra touches to a few tracks/entirely rerecorded a track or two and i think that now it can FINALLY be considered a truly complete record. please enjoy! :)"

[VD011]

credits

released September 6, 2014

acoustic guitar, electric guitar, vocals - otto peyer
microbrute on "stuck like glue", "façade implosion" - m jerome
bass on "let's leave this place" - eric cuevas
electric guitar, drums on "let's leave this place" - john esquivel

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