she made me want to vanish.

by Spirit Waves

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about

"a lo-fi acoustic friendzone rock odyssey sure to rock heads and roll beds. nothing but one-sided self-entitlement circlewankery. fun for the whole family! this is the 1st official SPIRIT WAVES LP, and was written over the course of two major heartbreaks and a whole lot of self-deprecation and soul searching. initially, the album was considered unfinished and this was a collection of demos, but in early 2016 i went back and remastered it/added a few well-needed extra touches to a few tracks/entirely rerecorded a track or two and i think that now it can FINALLY be considered a truly complete record. please enjoy! :)"

[VD011]

credits

released September 6, 2014

acoustic guitar, electric guitar, vocals - otto peyer
microbrute on "stuck like glue", "façade implosion" - m jerome
bass on "let's leave this place" - eric cuevas
electric guitar, drums on "let's leave this place" - john esquivel

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Visual Disturbances

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Track Name: Stuck Like Glue
i want a love where nothing hurts
i want a life where something will change
i want nothing more than to love you
but i guess that things will just stay the same
don't know why i keep searching for meaning
in the text she sent like an hour ago
the dream is over, i'm sorry son
but you've got to go home

but i'll keep pushing and i'll keep trying
you don't know how many nights i nearly broke down crying
i'm always suspecting that you're lying
baby i'm stuck to you
i'm stuck like glue

if you give me a chance i swear i'll make it worth your time
when just a smile from you makes it worth all mine
i don't know why i always have to define
ignorance is such a safer place
i really want to hold your hand
kiss your lips and make some plans
a long distance call that would never end
but i can't get through to you

but i'll keep pushing and i'll keep trying
you don't know how many nights i nearly broke down crying
my jealousy suspects that you're lying
baby i'm stuck to you
i'm stuck like glue
Track Name: Façade Implosion
I've become so self-destructive in nature,
descended into an awful nomenclature.
There are terrorizing facets of my personality
that I feel obligated to destroy.
There's times that I need you with me,
and there's times that I can't have you there.
Oh, what a battle that I fight in my mind,
I love you, but it's not enough, and that's not fair.
So tell me what you want from me,
I swear I'll give you anything.
There's nothing more that I wish but a kiss
from your lips onto mine.
Go!

So tell me, what do you plan to do
when all the walls start falling around you?
I don't know, I haven't planned that far ahead yet.
I don't know, I haven't planned that far ahead yet.
Love is unexpected, you can find love anywhere.
Love is unconditional, love is always fair.
I know that there are many reasons why I should just give up
but there's just a part of me that won't shut the fuck up.
I ache for love; can you blame me when it's everywhere that I look?
Oh, if only there was recourse for the things that love took.
Someone, anyone, break down with me.

Maybe what I need is new location,
a different shock to the synapses in my brain.
But mostly, I think we just need to admit to ourselves
that we know that our friendship will never be the same.
You, you will fall someday too,
I can’t tell you how I know this for sure.
You can cry, you can pout, you can curse me, and you can shout,
but in the end, no one else will be taking your lure.
So tell me what you demand of me,
No matter what, you stick so close to me
And there’s nothing more that I want but your taunt
For me to lean in closely to you
Go!

So, in the end, I wonder, can we still be friends?
Many lovers swore that they’d never back down until the bitter end,
but I won’t wait for what’s hopeless, I've got a life to live.
As my façade’s implosion draws near, I've got nothing left to give.

And you,
Oh you
someone, anyone
break down with me
Track Name: Selective Bitterness
you make me feel alive
you make me feel afraid
you make me feel beautiful
you make me want to stay

you made me feel confident
you gave me a reason to breathe
but nothing that's good can be true oh
and now you're gonna leave

don't break it off
don't break it off yet!
i'm still here

i see the couples kissing
i wanna feel that so bad
instead i lay in my bed just wishing
i wanna hold you so bad
but no matter how many steps i take
or the moves i make
all i know for sure is
i wanna hold you so bad!

i was transfixed on your eyes
and amazed at your grace
in my mind caressing on your thighs
it's your gaze that puts me in my place

you made me feel horrible
i wanted to kill myself
how i survived i'll never know
but i know that i'm falling down

don't break it off
don't break it off yet!
i'm still here!

i see the couples kissing
i wanna feel that so bad
instead i lay in my bed just wishing
i wanna hold you so bad
but no matter how many steps i take
or the moves i make
all i know for sure is
i wanna hold you so bad!
i wanna hold you so bad!
i wanna hold you so bad!
i wanna hold you so bad!
Track Name: Let's Leave This Place
We can go to Austin, New York, or Boston,
we can take a train and just get lost in
the eccentricities that pepper the city,
and in this moonlight you look so pretty
'cause the water in the foreground complements your eyes,
and when you confessed your love it came as such a surprise,
because for years I'd thought I was unloveable, a monster!
I'd ditched all ambitions of love I'd held as a youngster.

Yes, you, you're special, and you make me feel complete,
you're the skip in my step, the tempo of my beat,
and I just don't think this world is ready for us yet...

And let's leave this place together, forever!

Look in the shop windows, it's such a delight
to be anywhere away from that nasty city's plight,
and now we're in the big time, the Big Apple, the Queen,
and we're wandering through the crowds, we're something obscene
'cause the world doesn't get to see true love that often,
but I don't think there's anything we can do to soften
the blows on the hearts of those who've never felt this,
we should just continue on in our state of unconditional bliss,

I mean, who can tell? There's someone in the world for everyone,
you just gotta find them, and we did, and now we're having fun,
and I just don't think this world is ready for us yet...

And let's leave this place together, forever!

Oh now, what is this?
You say that you don't want to go,
well I always knew there'd be some doubt,
but I just think that you've got to know
you're never gonna find anyone like me again, oh.

Let's leave this place together, forever!
Let's leave this place together, forever!
Let's leave this place together, forever!
Track Name: Scared of Monsters
the leaves change colors and then fall to the ground
nature doesn't care about the trouble it causes
so the leaves we clean them up
yeah yeah yeah, oh
when you're around the town
maybe you should just talk to me
i think that i'm at least deserving of one good conversation
yeah yeah yeah, oh

and i can do nothing but apologize
for what happened last may
we were both just sixteen
and we had both been lonely every day
so we had a moment
but now there's nothing there
it's just like you say,
there's no use in trying
if there's no feelings we can share
if there's no feelings we can share

second date,
we ended up at your place
the hotel rates were ridiculous
we just wanted to suck face
and when your parents came home
we panicked and threw our clothes on
and i hid in the darkest closet
and did my best not to turn the lights on
yeah yeah yeah, oh

well i am scared of the dark
but you've got a little night light
attached to the outlet in your closet
because you're scared of monsters
well i am scared of monsters too
i am scared of myself
i am scared of the world
and i am scared

and i can do nothing but apologize
for what happened last may
we were both just sixteen
and we had both been lonely every day
so we had a moment
but now there's nothing there
it's just like you say
there's no use in trying
if there's no feelings we can share
if there's no feelings we can share
if there's no feelings we can share
Track Name: 100 Deaths
i've never died before so
i don't know where to start
it spreads from the tips of my toes
to the bottom of my heart
death is a pompous misfit
but what deserves my better half
if i can find a bead but still wonder why
how can this comedy be so sad
but when she loves it hurts like
i've become some spiders pray
but why can't prey tell my sweet escape
from another broken cage

so do you want it? do you need it
why do you insist upon wasting my time?
do i get what i deserve
a misery that's what it's worth
and you see me acting like a fool

in san francisco we made love for the first time
we could have done it ten years later
but i think we're doing just fine
in san bonet i must have died for the hundredth time
i must have died for the hundredth time
i must have died for the hundredth time
can't help but doubt i want it
if hearts can only break this way
and i wasn't good enough
to bask in your awkward gaze

cuz you don't want it and you don't need it
so i'll stop wasting your goddamn time
do i get what i deserve
a misery that's what it's worth
and you see me acting like a fool
and you see me acting like a fool
and you see me acting like a fool
Track Name: The Envoy of Beauty
i'm not as they'd have you believe
i'd like to think i have an honest heart
but i need to fix myself so please
will you take me back into your arms
and in your arms i'm floated away
in your arms i'm melted away

pretty girl with a sunburn bad
she's a looker and she's got me had
come on phone make my bones ring
give me distraction just do the right thing
oh when i need you need you here by my side
you just go off and you run and you hide
oh when i need you need you and you're not there
though when you needed me i never cared

so in her arms i floated away
but in her arms i wanted to stay

i've got to find a way to make her see
that i think that she's the one for me
but i'm so scared, so scared of fucking it up
so many failures i've learned that what goes down won't come up
oh when i see you see you and you're laying there
there's nothing you could do or say to make me feel prepared
yeah when i see you see you and you're lookin at me
and then i wake up i cursre the gods it's not fair

so in her arms i withered away
yeah in her arms i faded away

and she said
i don't want you to get the wrong idea
there's nothing between you and me
i don't want you to get the wrong idea
there's nothing between you and me

and it hurts, god it hurts so bad!
why do we like to make each other feel so sad
but in the end i guess that's how it has to be done
something always has to come and ruin my fun
do you feel envy can you feel your beauty
because you know that i feel that you're the envoy of beauty
and you may not be mine but hey at least i've got this song
and a few more yeah i still think i've got a few more in me yeah yeah

do you believe in magic
do you believe in cliche
do you believe in deja vu
she laughed as she told me
"oh i think you said that yesterday!"
guess cheesy pick-up lines would never work on you,
you're too smart for that
all of my bullshit? all of my drama?
i guess it's all just old hat, yeah

let's just sit back and enjoy this song
yeah let's just sit back and watch the stars
let's just sit back and enjoy this song
yeah let's just sit back and watch the stars
let's just sit back and enjoy this song
yeah let's just sit back and watch the stars
let's just sit back and enjoy this song
yeah yeah! yeah yeah, yeah

give me a reason to trust you again.
Track Name: Catch You
when you're about to fall
and the distance is so tall
i'll be there to catch you
yeah i'll come around and fetch you
when you've hit the wall
and you don't know who to call
i'll be there to set you free
from the chains that bind you
cause there's a reason that fate sent you to me
and told me that i should find you
oh!

when you're feeling pain
when you're goin insane
i'll be here to listen yeah
i'll sit here and glisten
when you're living sin
and you listen to this song again
i'll be there to save you
i'll be there to cleanse your soul
and i will never betray you
because it's you that makes me whole

it's just so scary when you're in the spotlight
and everyone's glaring at you with delight
and you're feeling so down and out
but you're in public you don't get to shout
well what if i'm a failure
what if they think that i'm a creep
what if i act like i'm not
will they pick up on my deceit?
oh!

when you're gonna fall
when you're gonna fall
i'll be there to catch you yeah
i'll be there to catch you
when you're gonna fall
when you're gonna fall
i'll be there to catch you yeah
i'll be there to catch you yeah
i'll be there to catch you yeah
i'll be there to catch you
oh!
Track Name: The Romantics
i've always hated the romantics
escaping to their nugatory false realities
but god what wouldn't i give just to run with you?
blonde hair, blue eyes
that stare right into my soul
no matter how hard you try though, you can't defy gravity
the sun will melt the wax that holds your wings together
and you will die in self-constructed agony
it's not like she's the first and she certainly won't be the last
but god what i would give just to make you love me

you'll use her to fill a void in yourself
but what happens when that void doesn't fill
you'll use her to fill a void in yourself
but what happens when she's gone

now that i know that i can't have you
i'd prefer to fade away
but you're still clutching to my arm
begging me "baby, please just stay"
and it's not that i don't want to
but i just don't wanna be around
because although you make me very happy
you can't help but bring me down
and now i'm back, back, back at your front door
keep on sayin i won't play these games no more
i'm back, back, back at your front----
Track Name: Stagnant and Crushed
i know your life's a wreck
because i made it that way
but i can't help that you had the effect
on me that you did that day
and i don't wanna be alone
but i feel a need to move closer
as time goes by
i'm growing more stagnant as i'm getting older

and i wanna learn to dance
i wanna learn to kiss
i don't want time to pass me by
there are things that i don't wanna miss
i want to be something
and i wanna love someone
oh oh oh how oh how i
wanna love someone!
yeah!

will she make it through the night
or will she die of fright
it's too early to tell they said
but she's certainly putting up a fight
like a death bed in eerie calm
or the lyrics in one of my sad songs
open up your eyes you say to me
but i'm blind and i can't see

and i wanna learn to dance
i wanna learn to kiss
i don't want time to pass me by
there are things that i don't want to miss
i wanna be something
and i wanna love someone
oh oh oh how oh how i
wanna love someone!
yes i do! yes yes!
yes i do yes yes yes i do!
yes i do! a-you too!
and i am crushed! i am crushed! yes yes, i am crushed!
you have broken my heart into a thousand pieces!
you have broken my heart into a thousand pieces!
you have broken my heart!

i wanna learn to dance
i wanna learn to kiss
i don't want time to pass me by
there are things that i don't want to miss
i want to be something
and i wanna love someone
oh oh oh how oh how i
gotta love someone
yes i do yes i do yes i do yes i do
yes i do yes i do yes i do yeah yeah! yes i do! yeah yeah oh
Track Name: Haven't Got a Bead On It
the guilt absofuckinglutely tore me to pieces
will i still soldier on when i still haven't got a shoulder on
which to rest my weary rest my weary rest my weary head

but i haven't got a bead on it, no sir
haven't got a clue
i'm still lost without a matchbook
and only my flickering dying flame
killing my fame i live in shame
no lovers to speak of and nothing to my name
but i haven't got a bead on it, no
haven't got the answer
i haven't got a bead on it, no
no clue

you can have it all
you can have it all you can have it all
you can have it all
you can have it all
you can have it all you can have it all
you can have it all

but i haven't got a bead on it, no sir
haven't got the answer
i'm still lost without a matchbook
and only my flickering, dying flame
killing my fame, i live in shame
no lover to speak of
and nothing to my name
no i haven't got the bead on it,
no, haven't got the answer
but i haven't got a bead on it
no clues, no clue

well i've crossed so many people
and i've crossed so many places
just to be here today with you
how can you play me like that?
just like cards...
it's like you don't don't don't care
well someday you'll pay for the awful things that you've done
and may the devil have mercy upon you
and you condemned me to depression
i hope he takes your soul

but i haven't got a bead on it, no
haven't got the answer
i'm still lost without a matchbook
and only my flickering dying flame
killing my fame i live in shame
no lovers to speak of and nothing to my name
but i haven't got a bead on it, no
i haven't got the answer
but i haven't got a bead on it, no
haven't got the answer

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
oh ho
yeah yeah! yeah yeah yeah!

but i haven't got a bead on it, no sir
haven't got the answer
i'm still lost without a matchbook
and only my flickering, dying flame
killing my fame, i live in shame
no lover to speak of, and nothing to my name
but i haven't got a bead on it, no
haven't got the answer
still lost without a matchbook
and only my flickering, dying flame
killing my fame, i live in shame,
no lover to speak of and nothing to my name
oh no
Track Name: Lost in Desperation
and always in the aftermath
you realize how low you really went
your dramatic self deprecation attack
only came off as an attention seeking act
and you've become some hurtful thing
a twisted reflection of a beautiful being
and in the end was it all worth it?
well i guess i feel a little better

she doesn't even care about you
she's preoccupied with some other guy
and you just have to convince yourself
that she wasn't really all that great anyway

preacher preacher absolve me of sin
i don't know where to turn and i'm not christian
but i guess you deserve a chance to get me out of this rut
whatever's gonna save me like god or karma or i don't know what
i'm just lost in desperation
there's something i can't find
and i'm hoping that by giving you my blind trust
you'll help me find someone to make mine

and she doesn't really even care about you
she's preoccupied with some other guy
and you just have to convince yourself
that she wasn't really all that great anyway
Track Name: I Never Met
i never met a girl
kind enough to hold my hand
they always desire to pick apart
the tenets by which i stand
they want to change my hair
because it bothers them
well if i'm such a goddamned bother
why don't you go be with him

i never met a girl
that aimed to keep me warm
i shivered on your front porch all night
to get swallowed up by the storm
i never met a girl
that i felt like i could trust
and i never met a girl
where in my heart there didn't lurk lust

i never met a man
that wasn't after his own interest
you set something pretty in the room
now they're only dressed to impress
but who the fuck am i
to be mad at someone's happiness
i guess i never had any for myself
but i promise i'm doing my best

i never met a man
that wasn't trying to score
they always want to break their hearts
so they can leave them wanting more
i never met a man
that wasn't a lying fake
and i never met a man
that didn't deal in heartbreak

woah! woah!

i never met myself
so i don't know who i am
i don't know why i think i'm superior
to the rest of them
i don't know why i'm angry
most of the time i'm sad
i've got nowhere to send my love
and i should feel bad