NO HOME

by Spirit Waves

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  • [ET-07] Spirit Waves - NO HOME C81 Cassette
    Cassette + Digital Album

    This is a run of 25 hand-assembled and numbered tapes manufactured in the Emergency Tapes World Headquarters, including a unique note & drawing from the artist himself.

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about

"hello everyone! i'm very excited to bring you my latest record, NO HOME.

currently my sixth LP, this record represents the past year for me, which has been one of extreme emotional struggle. i found myself in what was probably the darkest place that i've ever been in my life, a place that often had me thinking about suicide and generally feeling unlovable and unwanted. i was obsessively fixated on a constant desire to love those that don't love me back, both past and present, and this record initially emerged as an exercise in musical therapy. i hoped that with it, i could coax these underlying feelings to the surface and then analyze them, hopefully finding something that would help me defeat them once and for all. in many ways, it's a very raw record, and represents awful sides of my self that i would never wish anyone to see, but in that way it's also very uncompromising. in every way, from the aesthetics of the cover to the recording techniques used, i wanted it to sound like i felt. although i may not have reached spiritual tranquility with this release, i feel that i achieved what i set out to do sonically, and therefore i consider this record my proudest achievement. one thing that i was told by a very dear friend of mine was that it sounds like "being at your absolute lowest point while it's a really beautiful day outside", which i think sums it up quite well. influences include weezer's pinkerton, jordaan mason's the decline of stupid fucking western civilization, and the works of daniel johnston. thank you all so much for being part of the journey thus far, as well as for the lovely support, and you can expect more spirit waves in the future! <3 <3 <3 please let me know what you think! and check out the cassettes, they're shaping up to be fucking beautiful! you can check them out over at visualdisturbances.bandcamp.com

special thx to all of the #VDCRU (i fucking love you guys!), dani, sean, john, myke, isaac, jess, shelbot, mom an' pop, erik, nick, and anyone else who's been a part of my life for the past few years. seriously, thank you.

much love,
otto xoxo <3 <3 <3 <3 <3"

[VD027]

credits

released October 13, 2015

otto william peyer iv - everything (acoustic guitars, bass guitars, electric guitars, drums, keyboards, vocals)

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Track Name: Spirit Girl
bitter and hateful he's out of control
you revved him up now watch him go
a pretentious desire to be different
don't you know we all end up the same
well just up ahead there's this rocky road
the stones are sharp enough to cut me raw
i tried to shatter your insane expectations
but i just scraped my knee
try try try as i might as i might
even if i get stepped on in the end
what did you really mean
when you said i shouldn't be your boyfriend
is it wrong that i still love you
how do i stop thinking of you
closed my eyes and all i saw was you
why won't you let me love you girl
watch all the vibrant colors
as they turn into shades of grey
they all seem well acquainted with how
humans are always fucking with the contrast and
i only seem to know your darkest shades but
years later we'll speak our regrets
and we'll say so long to those sorrowful days
try try try as i might
even if i get fucked up in the end
what did you really mean when you
said i shouldn't be your boyfriend
is it wrong that i still love you
how can i stop thinking of you
closed my eyes and all i saw was you
why won't you let me love you girl
try try try try try try try
Track Name: Terminal
lately i been fuckin around with them zodiac signs
never thought that they would matter
always assumed that they meant nothin at all
caught your flicker in the hallway
turned the page but the page was blank
if i could walk you through the city
i'd take you down every street

and you can hear it in every heartbeat
i'm older now and i'm ready to forgive
even if your spirit still haunts me
i'm finally willing to admit
that that's all that it is

so go on don't stop
if you really want to walk
i won't keep stock in something you're not no
i ain't your heart cop
i'm just an idiot
i just care a lot
i'm just something i'm not
so you'll do what you want to do

oh the pain
this pain is real
i thought that i'd be happy
to discover i'd forgotten how to feel
i can feel your desperation
at the tips of my bones
still vibe it when i get lonely
get scared when i pick up the phone

i was sittin on a traincar
and it reminded me of you
how we'd walk through the city
and laugh at bad music reviews
i'd love to take you for a ride
but you say that you'd rather not
i'd love to buy you everything
from every single place that we walk

and you can feel it in every cell
this momentum's only bound to break
i always cling too closely
that's why all my loves always
turn to hates

so don't come around this ain't no lost and found
i ain't your plan b you left me on the ground
you're running through the terminal
just leave me alone no battery in my phone
just leave me alone can't act my own age

you're running through the terminal
but i'm long gone
i'm long gone
i'm long gone
Track Name: Gun Kidder/No Horizon
big axe sharpened and come to hack my legs again
please believe me just do it every time
oh big mover swearin that he's changin
back in this body he won't respond to past lives
gun kidder my tips caught in your shell eject
want you to treat me like another dumb in-joke
arrow drawer oh don't you wanna get to know me
firestarter if yer gonna come and melt me

and maybe its not that i wanna get to know you
maybe i just wanna set your world ablaze
perhaps i know that you're never gonna love me
but i still want to be warm in your embrace

as time passes it's something that you don't notice
til two years are gone in the blink of an eye
vacant weekend hey i'll check up on her facebook
please break my face punch me 'til i cry
gun kidder, pull the trigger on your hate mail
told me you prepared it so many weeks before
i'm finally ready... i'm waiting for you to pwn me
make me want to die enough that i do it

and maybe it's not that you wanted to get to know me
maybe you just wanted to set me ablaze
perhaps its true that i knew you'd never love me
my scattered ashes are all that remains

death to the new horizon
death to the fallen star
love gave me something to fear
now i want death to love
heard you found a new beginning
heard you got your happy ending
well i hope the massage was good yeah
i hope it was fuckin worth it

it's a miracle to be alive
all fun and games til i see your eyes
filling up i'm full of lies
i'm dyin inside
"what a shame you go to hell"
her only words as far as i can tell
and in the midst i may have said some things
that betray the whats of what i did
Track Name: Interstate
wish the situations would play out like in the mangas i read
every moment frantic, intense, and a little bit pathetic
i wish that i could kiss you on the interstate in the middle of nowhere
at no particular time
i'm dying inside i need your love to come true
Track Name: My Guts
on a birthday i find myself
trapped between two hells
and a third one overlaps that's just me just
tearing at myself
and on side A i press play
to hear the girl that i want
but there's always across the lot
fast running the girl i never got
and both are closing in on me
and they're trying to push my guts
out of my mouth spilling messy
onto my crossed hairy legs
and i can see my guts
and i can see my guts
and i can see my guts
yeah i can see my guts
yeah i can see my guts
yeah i can see my guts
and i can see my guts
yeah i can see my guts
and i can feel my eyes popping
and i can feel all these words
trying to escape out of my mouth

on a night in my bed i'm on
the verge of vomiting
the anxiety's creeping up on me and
i don't know how this is still happening
three years have passed now

three hard years have gone on by
i'm still laying here
wishing i would die and
if the universe doesn't end then
i'll end it myself
if the skies won't crash down
and obliterate the earth
if the volcano don't boil over
to save me from this hell
if the world won't listen when
we're told it's okay to kill ourselves

if my body ever tries to reject my right to live again
i'll just let it take me out and then i'll begin again
Track Name: As a dog returns to its vomit...
it's dark so why can't my eyes just adjust
to the view of a life without you
and it's cold so why can't my frail, fragile little body just warm up
when all's told and i'm lost without you
without you without you without you without you

she stood there at the bar sipping her beverage
she seemed amused, you could tell that she's somewhat vacant, so
i stepped up to the bar and ordered her another drink
i could hear her heart singing, i heard it say
"i thought you were beautiful on the inside
but i only wanted to tear at you,
tear at your soul from the inside out."
well i know that i'm not the one,
the one you thought was s'posed to be
for you you you you you.

oh well,
it's another day, i've had my say
and i've got more sway than you would even know
down and out, cold and boneless,
guess i've gotta step up and own this
but i don't even know where this is coming from
who am i now and what are the things that i've done
what have i become?
don't you love when you can't figure out
what all those past loves were all about?
oh don't you remember me? oh sure you do
i know you, you never forget a thing
oh don't you remember me?
i'm the cute girl from across the bar

i thought there was a soul in you,
i thought there was a safety net

i thought there was a means to an end
you fedex'd your nail clippings in the mail
said "i don't need these anymore,
but i know you find pleasure in special treasures
so maybe you could find some use for them"
like, how could you be so cruel?
i'll send you magazine clippings when i'm famous,
just to show you what you missed out on, bitch.
you get more attention than you're worth
well i think that you're worth less than shit
more worthless than the god you sell yourself as
you may think i'm trash, i think you're the same
it's over and done, i live in pain
we could have loved each other
why are we fighting when i miss you so?
i thought we could talk things out
aren't you skilled in the art of conversation?

i'm tired of living my life in fear
that one of these days you'll wander away
and i want nothing more than to hold you close to me
but how could i live with myself at the end every day
the world's warped the world's a vampire
the world is squiggly the world's outside the lines
the world is nothing to me but the darkest parts of your eyes
you're both the happiness and the death destroying my life
i hate myself 'cause i love you so,
i'll hate myself
more
if you go

as a dog returns to its vomit, i will return to you someday
Track Name: Agony Constructors
i miss her
i miss her so much and

i wish i could have done more
i wish i would have done less
i wish i would have done anything at all
as the stars consign us to ultimate fates
knowing they too will die one day
it's fucking maddening

i want to challenge the gods
cuz i'm so feeble minded

can't get my act together
can't focus long enough
to make anything worth hearing

i'm so crippled by the paranoia
too many agony constructions
forcing their way through my brain
now i'm changing lanes on you
i'm not a prophet i'm just a fake
i'm nobody except to myself
but you, you you're not alone
you make me laugh, you make me scared
i want to share things with you
and now i'm changing lanes on you
Track Name: NO HOME
sometimes i hurt
and i can't find any escape
and all of my worthless blood
rushes to my head,
and i don't know what it was,
but something out there killed all of my
hope, and in my dreams i
don't seem to die as much anymore
as if i've resigned to my fate,
will i ever grow up or am i destined to have no home?

so it's christmas day and i'm
at the end of my rope and
i don't know where to go and
i've buried all my last vestiges of hope, and
i want to get all wrapped up in endless blankets of snow
and never ever ever ever have
a dream again

and all that i see
are vague outlines blushing
the tenderness of their touching
the ins and outs of them fucking
and how it always turns to crushing
as it dissolves into nothing
i guess that's what you get for loving
yet i can't stop my lusting
and i'm standing here on principle
but i'm thinking of jumping off
i don't want this heart
i don't want this cock
and why stand for anything
when the world don't give a fuck
in the rich world valleys
they still kiss and suck
unaware that this whole world's a cuck

i'm here, here and now
i'm here and here right now
and i hope that you find your inner peace
and i hope that you find inner strength
and oh god who am i kidding
i hope that you find me

so i said hey! hey! hey! i exist!
and then i laid it all out on the table
so she could read them
i spread them out so that
she'd think of me as she read them
now will she cut, will she cut,
oh will she cut the cake
or will she cut, will she cut,
will she cut the table
or will she cut,
yeah i think she'll cut,
oh will she cut me instead

sometimes, i don't understand it
i never can quite explain it
but this time i wanted to act
and i wanted to fucking strangle him.
Track Name: The Distant
bending a little from the pressure
as he tries to do the things you want him to
it's such a simple crime, so innocent it's guilty
i'm blaring as softly as i can
because i don't want you to hear me!
i'm whispering as loud as i can
'cause i need you to notice me senpai

i'm nothing without you

the distant oh the distant
i'm still i'm still i'm still alive
Track Name: Hell Was Full
i get paid on friday
so that means i can go overdose and die
and while i do it i'll be naked
and i'll touch myself and think of you
and all the things that you'll never do
and all the things that we'll never do
anda ll the things that you'll never do
with me

hell was full so i came back
on a monday in a hospital bed
and all the nurses were beautiful
sending blood rushing to both my heads
and one of them always touched my chest
as she changed my shirt
but skillfully she never brushed against my crotch
i hate my fucking mind so much

i want to go throw up right now
i need to go throw up right now
oh god

i hate myself and my life so much
i hate how i can't have your touch
i hate my fear of decimation of choice
i don't wanna live if i don't have a voice!

and i can go any time i god damn want to
i can go and it is perfectly okay to do so
but i don't know if i'm really ready for that
i'm just tired of being so fucking lonesome all the time
Track Name: Nothing Is Ever As It Seems
i don't know what's worth fighting for
it's you i want but it's me you ignore
i wish that i could do so many things better
i wish i was something to you
other than something you say never will happen
i'm still here floating in the universe

it's such a sin the way
you play with your hair when you're talking to him
'cause when we first met you told me
that that was something that should let me know that you liked me
and i know i ain't someone,
i just wanna put my tongue in your mouth
for you i would do so much
for you could take all of the teeth out of my head
daylight comes and shatters the illusion of my dreams
nothing is ever as it seems
Track Name: Wasted Breath
i want you to live that final moment
with every single breath that you take
and i want you constantly to remember
the life that you threw away

bet you didn't expect to see me gasping
apologizing for the blood spill
vomiting out the refuge of hate
that you implanted in my belly

i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
oh my god i hate you

i hate you
i hate you
i despise you
i hate you
Track Name: Heaven's Finger
well i know that we've fought
and there's times that i forgot
things that were important to you
and i know that
that challenged your temperament
but god, i never thought
that you of all the people in this world
would do the thing that you did to me

odd lines, weird blurs
that whole day was a pastiche
a twisted medley of colors
the memories i told her
all came back to haunt me
told me i did the wrong thing
i'm sorry that i'm longing
i'm sorry that i'm lonely
i'm sorry that i'm not what you're looking for

now i wait for you to come
and carry me away i want to die
send me hurtling into the sea
mind open wide and arms open free
minus all the insignificant coddling
for once belonging

heaven's finger points towards the bathroom
go finish yourself off you disgusting piece of shit
oh well whatever, i was scared oh nevermind
indulgence is a burden, orgasm is sacred

take me down, quench my heart with your blood
i want to beat my soul just like you do
incredible, insatiable,
in a moment we've become intangible
lost in obliteration, full devestation
total annihilation
oh shit i'm finally feeling this

just another one lost in heaven's moment
she's another one lost in a moment
just another moment lost to time
just another one that's been lost in your eyes
Track Name: b there @ the gates
i couldn't wait to be you, merigold
i couldn't wait to see you there
i couldn't wait to see your picture tonight
i couldn't wait but you were not there

who's that with those lovely brown eyes
little kid with a shit speck cow lick
the stuck up rich kids that ask "do you smoke"
the answer's always no,
i just come from a house that does

chainsmoking doral lite 100s
you'll die before they take away your pills
clothes on the floor matted with dog shit
leveling up's important
infidelity, but it's okay under false pretences

and where the fuck were you
when father was taking chemo?
lying in the back room
trying to hide your meth habit.
the miracle headed boy tumbles down
but there's still pressure
don't you get a B! don't you get a C!
i'm so disappointed in you!
what the hell did you expect?
if i was supposed to be boy genius,
then it was you who dumbed me down.
paper thin trails of words that cut
breaking me down.

what's that with all the anger all the time
self-loathing and pity will never get you anything
and what's that you're always pining for?
all those loves, they all know that you are nothing
big stones break and collapse
but in between is something frightening to behold

i can't get over my fuck-ups
so i'll just pursue hedonist gold

don't fret, just accept
you love the ones you love
you don't the ones you don't
the world still ticks on
Track Name: Kill Me (Let's Go to the Jetty)
what the hell is happening to me
is it death of standards or death of all my feelings
the averted eye of the mysterious one behind me
i can feel the light from her sight cut me till i'm bleeding
and i can hear the din of barking down the alley
the dogs that pine for anyone worth knowing
i feel their claws scraping against the shattered fragment rocks of pavement
i hear them beating

and what's the point of livin if nothing ever was
and what's the point of trying if everything is so fucked up
and what's the point of dying when the sun won't come up

i hear the dogs i hear the dogs i hear the dogs i hear the dogs i hear the dogs
tearing me from limb to limb they're tearing me from limb to limb they're tearing me from limb

and there have been times when i've seen your lights turn off
you pause for a second and take in the beauty of where it all went wrong
and sometimes i can see that fake ass smile spread right across your face
so stupid to me that everything stays tame
assuring me that nothing is okay
assuming me, can't hide a darker shade
worshipping me while i love all you've made

what the hell is happening to me
what the hell is happening to me
what the hell is happening to me
what the hell is happening to me

let's go to the jetty it'll be a laugh
take off all of my clothes and hold me down below the water
send me deep into the blue just as long as the hand is yours
i'll gladly die or do whatever it is you need me to
let's go to the skyscrapers you can push me off it's true
strangle me in my bed run me thru and thru
fill my lungs with your spit until i can't breathe anymore
stab me in the throat until i won't sing anymore

i can't help that im feeling so broken around you
i'm trying my best just to get over it, get over it,
pull thru it, just as long as i leave it past
but i could never leave you behind
even though i have so many times
Track Name: ...i will one day return to you.
i wish i could undo the mistakes
that i've made in this life
but i know that some are gonna haunt me
until the day i die
as if there's something i could do
to change the way that things turned out
to keep those mistakes from happening
they could happen to anyone,
oh hey!
it happened to you!
yes!

and i don't wanna be like this
for the rest of my days
you finally admit that you've got your ways
to put me six feet below the ground
oh the pain's what keeps me going strong
trying to get up to the top of that mound
oh the pain's what keeps me runnin'
yet i can't even remember her name, y'all
she's dead to me, yeah
she's gone!
she's gone!

but there's still a little bit of my heart
an itty bitty bit in the pit of my heart
that belongs to you my love
yeah there's still a little bit of my heart
an itty brittle bit of the pit of my heart
that belongs to you my love
and yet i say i love you
ooh

as a dog returns to its vomit
i will one day return to you.