NO HOME

by Spirit Waves

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  • [ET-07] Spirit Waves - NO HOME C81 Cassette
    Cassette + Digital Album

    This is a run of 25 hand-assembled and numbered tapes manufactured in the Emergency Tapes World Headquarters, including a unique note & drawing from the artist himself.

    Includes unlimited streaming of NO HOME via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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1.
Spirit Girl 03:00
bitter and hateful he's out of control you revved him up now watch him go a pretentious desire to be different don't you know we all end up the same well just up ahead there's this rocky road the stones are sharp enough to cut me raw i tried to shatter your insane expectations but i just scraped my knee try try try as i might as i might even if i get stepped on in the end what did you really mean when you said i shouldn't be your boyfriend is it wrong that i still love you how do i stop thinking of you closed my eyes and all i saw was you why won't you let me love you girl watch all the vibrant colors as they turn into shades of grey they all seem well acquainted with how humans are always fucking with the contrast and i only seem to know your darkest shades but years later we'll speak our regrets and we'll say so long to those sorrowful days try try try as i might even if i get fucked up in the end what did you really mean when you said i shouldn't be your boyfriend is it wrong that i still love you how can i stop thinking of you closed my eyes and all i saw was you why won't you let me love you girl try try try try try try try
2.
Terminal 04:01
lately i been fuckin around with them zodiac signs never thought that they would matter always assumed that they meant nothin at all caught your flicker in the hallway turned the page but the page was blank if i could walk you through the city i'd take you down every street and you can hear it in every heartbeat i'm older now and i'm ready to forgive even if your spirit still haunts me i'm finally willing to admit that that's all that it is so go on don't stop if you really want to walk i won't keep stock in something you're not no i ain't your heart cop i'm just an idiot i just care a lot i'm just something i'm not so you'll do what you want to do oh the pain this pain is real i thought that i'd be happy to discover i'd forgotten how to feel i can feel your desperation at the tips of my bones still vibe it when i get lonely get scared when i pick up the phone i was sittin on a traincar and it reminded me of you how we'd walk through the city and laugh at bad music reviews i'd love to take you for a ride but you say that you'd rather not i'd love to buy you everything from every single place that we walk and you can feel it in every cell this momentum's only bound to break i always cling too closely that's why all my loves always turn to hates so don't come around this ain't no lost and found i ain't your plan b you left me on the ground you're running through the terminal just leave me alone no battery in my phone just leave me alone can't act my own age you're running through the terminal but i'm long gone i'm long gone i'm long gone
3.
big axe sharpened and come to hack my legs again please believe me just do it every time oh big mover swearin that he's changin back in this body he won't respond to past lives gun kidder my tips caught in your shell eject want you to treat me like another dumb in-joke arrow drawer oh don't you wanna get to know me firestarter if yer gonna come and melt me and maybe its not that i wanna get to know you maybe i just wanna set your world ablaze perhaps i know that you're never gonna love me but i still want to be warm in your embrace as time passes it's something that you don't notice til two years are gone in the blink of an eye vacant weekend hey i'll check up on her facebook please break my face punch me 'til i cry gun kidder, pull the trigger on your hate mail told me you prepared it so many weeks before i'm finally ready... i'm waiting for you to pwn me make me want to die enough that i do it and maybe it's not that you wanted to get to know me maybe you just wanted to set me ablaze perhaps its true that i knew you'd never love me my scattered ashes are all that remains death to the new horizon death to the fallen star love gave me something to fear now i want death to love heard you found a new beginning heard you got your happy ending well i hope the massage was good yeah i hope it was fuckin worth it it's a miracle to be alive all fun and games til i see your eyes filling up i'm full of lies i'm dyin inside "what a shame you go to hell" her only words as far as i can tell and in the midst i may have said some things that betray the whats of what i did
4.
Interstate 01:35
wish the situations would play out like in the mangas i read every moment frantic, intense, and a little bit pathetic i wish that i could kiss you on the interstate in the middle of nowhere at no particular time i'm dying inside i need your love to come true
5.
My Guts 04:15
on a birthday i find myself trapped between two hells and a third one overlaps that's just me just tearing at myself and on side A i press play to hear the girl that i want but there's always across the lot fast running the girl i never got and both are closing in on me and they're trying to push my guts out of my mouth spilling messy onto my crossed hairy legs and i can see my guts and i can see my guts and i can see my guts yeah i can see my guts yeah i can see my guts yeah i can see my guts and i can see my guts yeah i can see my guts and i can feel my eyes popping and i can feel all these words trying to escape out of my mouth on a night in my bed i'm on the verge of vomiting the anxiety's creeping up on me and i don't know how this is still happening three years have passed now three hard years have gone on by i'm still laying here wishing i would die and if the universe doesn't end then i'll end it myself if the skies won't crash down and obliterate the earth if the volcano don't boil over to save me from this hell if the world won't listen when we're told it's okay to kill ourselves if my body ever tries to reject my right to live again i'll just let it take me out and then i'll begin again
6.
it's dark so why can't my eyes just adjust to the view of a life without you and it's cold so why can't my frail, fragile little body just warm up when all's told and i'm lost without you without you without you without you without you she stood there at the bar sipping her beverage she seemed amused, you could tell that she's somewhat vacant, so i stepped up to the bar and ordered her another drink i could hear her heart singing, i heard it say "i thought you were beautiful on the inside but i only wanted to tear at you, tear at your soul from the inside out." well i know that i'm not the one, the one you thought was s'posed to be for you you you you you. oh well, it's another day, i've had my say and i've got more sway than you would even know down and out, cold and boneless, guess i've gotta step up and own this but i don't even know where this is coming from who am i now and what are the things that i've done what have i become? don't you love when you can't figure out what all those past loves were all about? oh don't you remember me? oh sure you do i know you, you never forget a thing oh don't you remember me? i'm the cute girl from across the bar i thought there was a soul in you, i thought there was a safety net i thought there was a means to an end you fedex'd your nail clippings in the mail said "i don't need these anymore, but i know you find pleasure in special treasures so maybe you could find some use for them" like, how could you be so cruel? i'll send you magazine clippings when i'm famous, just to show you what you missed out on, bitch. you get more attention than you're worth well i think that you're worth less than shit more worthless than the god you sell yourself as you may think i'm trash, i think you're the same it's over and done, i live in pain we could have loved each other why are we fighting when i miss you so? i thought we could talk things out aren't you skilled in the art of conversation? i'm tired of living my life in fear that one of these days you'll wander away and i want nothing more than to hold you close to me but how could i live with myself at the end every day the world's warped the world's a vampire the world is squiggly the world's outside the lines the world is nothing to me but the darkest parts of your eyes you're both the happiness and the death destroying my life i hate myself 'cause i love you so, i'll hate myself more if you go as a dog returns to its vomit, i will return to you someday
7.
i miss her i miss her so much and i wish i could have done more i wish i would have done less i wish i would have done anything at all as the stars consign us to ultimate fates knowing they too will die one day it's fucking maddening i want to challenge the gods cuz i'm so feeble minded can't get my act together can't focus long enough to make anything worth hearing i'm so crippled by the paranoia too many agony constructions forcing their way through my brain now i'm changing lanes on you i'm not a prophet i'm just a fake i'm nobody except to myself but you, you you're not alone you make me laugh, you make me scared i want to share things with you and now i'm changing lanes on you
8.
NO HOME 10:04
sometimes i hurt and i can't find any escape and all of my worthless blood rushes to my head, and i don't know what it was, but something out there killed all of my hope, and in my dreams i don't seem to die as much anymore as if i've resigned to my fate, will i ever grow up or am i destined to have no home? so it's christmas day and i'm at the end of my rope and i don't know where to go and i've buried all my last vestiges of hope, and i want to get all wrapped up in endless blankets of snow and never ever ever ever have a dream again and all that i see are vague outlines blushing the tenderness of their touching the ins and outs of them fucking and how it always turns to crushing as it dissolves into nothing i guess that's what you get for loving yet i can't stop my lusting and i'm standing here on principle but i'm thinking of jumping off i don't want this heart i don't want this cock and why stand for anything when the world don't give a fuck in the rich world valleys they still kiss and suck unaware that this whole world's a cuck i'm here, here and now i'm here and here right now and i hope that you find your inner peace and i hope that you find inner strength and oh god who am i kidding i hope that you find me so i said hey! hey! hey! i exist! and then i laid it all out on the table so she could read them i spread them out so that she'd think of me as she read them now will she cut, will she cut, oh will she cut the cake or will she cut, will she cut, will she cut the table or will she cut, yeah i think she'll cut, oh will she cut me instead sometimes, i don't understand it i never can quite explain it but this time i wanted to act and i wanted to fucking strangle him.
9.
The Distant 04:03
bending a little from the pressure as he tries to do the things you want him to it's such a simple crime, so innocent it's guilty i'm blaring as softly as i can because i don't want you to hear me! i'm whispering as loud as i can 'cause i need you to notice me senpai i'm nothing without you the distant oh the distant i'm still i'm still i'm still alive
10.
i get paid on friday so that means i can go overdose and die and while i do it i'll be naked and i'll touch myself and think of you and all the things that you'll never do and all the things that we'll never do anda ll the things that you'll never do with me hell was full so i came back on a monday in a hospital bed and all the nurses were beautiful sending blood rushing to both my heads and one of them always touched my chest as she changed my shirt but skillfully she never brushed against my crotch i hate my fucking mind so much i want to go throw up right now i need to go throw up right now oh god i hate myself and my life so much i hate how i can't have your touch i hate my fear of decimation of choice i don't wanna live if i don't have a voice! and i can go any time i god damn want to i can go and it is perfectly okay to do so but i don't know if i'm really ready for that i'm just tired of being so fucking lonesome all the time
11.
i don't know what's worth fighting for it's you i want but it's me you ignore i wish that i could do so many things better i wish i was something to you other than something you say never will happen i'm still here floating in the universe it's such a sin the way you play with your hair when you're talking to him 'cause when we first met you told me that that was something that should let me know that you liked me and i know i ain't someone, i just wanna put my tongue in your mouth for you i would do so much for you could take all of the teeth out of my head daylight comes and shatters the illusion of my dreams nothing is ever as it seems
12.
i want you to live that final moment with every single breath that you take and i want you constantly to remember the life that you threw away bet you didn't expect to see me gasping apologizing for the blood spill vomiting out the refuge of hate that you implanted in my belly i hate you i hate you i hate you oh my god i hate you i hate you i hate you i despise you i hate you
13.
well i know that we've fought and there's times that i forgot things that were important to you and i know that that challenged your temperament but god, i never thought that you of all the people in this world would do the thing that you did to me odd lines, weird blurs that whole day was a pastiche a twisted medley of colors the memories i told her all came back to haunt me told me i did the wrong thing i'm sorry that i'm longing i'm sorry that i'm lonely i'm sorry that i'm not what you're looking for now i wait for you to come and carry me away i want to die send me hurtling into the sea mind open wide and arms open free minus all the insignificant coddling for once belonging heaven's finger points towards the bathroom go finish yourself off you disgusting piece of shit oh well whatever, i was scared oh nevermind indulgence is a burden, orgasm is sacred take me down, quench my heart with your blood i want to beat my soul just like you do incredible, insatiable, in a moment we've become intangible lost in obliteration, full devestation total annihilation oh shit i'm finally feeling this just another one lost in heaven's moment she's another one lost in a moment just another moment lost to time just another one that's been lost in your eyes
14.
i couldn't wait to be you, merigold i couldn't wait to see you there i couldn't wait to see your picture tonight i couldn't wait but you were not there who's that with those lovely brown eyes little kid with a shit speck cow lick the stuck up rich kids that ask "do you smoke" the answer's always no, i just come from a house that does chainsmoking doral lite 100s you'll die before they take away your pills clothes on the floor matted with dog shit leveling up's important infidelity, but it's okay under false pretences and where the fuck were you when father was taking chemo? lying in the back room trying to hide your meth habit. the miracle headed boy tumbles down but there's still pressure don't you get a B! don't you get a C! i'm so disappointed in you! what the hell did you expect? if i was supposed to be boy genius, then it was you who dumbed me down. paper thin trails of words that cut breaking me down. what's that with all the anger all the time self-loathing and pity will never get you anything and what's that you're always pining for? all those loves, they all know that you are nothing big stones break and collapse but in between is something frightening to behold i can't get over my fuck-ups so i'll just pursue hedonist gold don't fret, just accept you love the ones you love you don't the ones you don't the world still ticks on
15.
what the hell is happening to me is it death of standards or death of all my feelings the averted eye of the mysterious one behind me i can feel the light from her sight cut me till i'm bleeding and i can hear the din of barking down the alley the dogs that pine for anyone worth knowing i feel their claws scraping against the shattered fragment rocks of pavement i hear them beating and what's the point of livin if nothing ever was and what's the point of trying if everything is so fucked up and what's the point of dying when the sun won't come up i hear the dogs i hear the dogs i hear the dogs i hear the dogs i hear the dogs tearing me from limb to limb they're tearing me from limb to limb they're tearing me from limb and there have been times when i've seen your lights turn off you pause for a second and take in the beauty of where it all went wrong and sometimes i can see that fake ass smile spread right across your face so stupid to me that everything stays tame assuring me that nothing is okay assuming me, can't hide a darker shade worshipping me while i love all you've made what the hell is happening to me what the hell is happening to me what the hell is happening to me what the hell is happening to me let's go to the jetty it'll be a laugh take off all of my clothes and hold me down below the water send me deep into the blue just as long as the hand is yours i'll gladly die or do whatever it is you need me to let's go to the skyscrapers you can push me off it's true strangle me in my bed run me thru and thru fill my lungs with your spit until i can't breathe anymore stab me in the throat until i won't sing anymore i can't help that im feeling so broken around you i'm trying my best just to get over it, get over it, pull thru it, just as long as i leave it past but i could never leave you behind even though i have so many times
16.
i wish i could undo the mistakes that i've made in this life but i know that some are gonna haunt me until the day i die as if there's something i could do to change the way that things turned out to keep those mistakes from happening they could happen to anyone, oh hey! it happened to you! yes! and i don't wanna be like this for the rest of my days you finally admit that you've got your ways to put me six feet below the ground oh the pain's what keeps me going strong trying to get up to the top of that mound oh the pain's what keeps me runnin' yet i can't even remember her name, y'all she's dead to me, yeah she's gone! she's gone! but there's still a little bit of my heart an itty bitty bit in the pit of my heart that belongs to you my love yeah there's still a little bit of my heart an itty brittle bit of the pit of my heart that belongs to you my love and yet i say i love you ooh as a dog returns to its vomit i will one day return to you.

about

"hello everyone! i'm very excited to bring you my latest record, NO HOME.

currently my sixth LP, this record represents the past year for me, which has been one of extreme emotional struggle. i found myself in what was probably the darkest place that i've ever been in my life, a place that often had me thinking about suicide and generally feeling unlovable and unwanted. i was obsessively fixated on a constant desire to love those that don't love me back, both past and present, and this record initially emerged as an exercise in musical therapy. i hoped that with it, i could coax these underlying feelings to the surface and then analyze them, hopefully finding something that would help me defeat them once and for all. in many ways, it's a very raw record, and represents awful sides of my self that i would never wish anyone to see, but in that way it's also very uncompromising. in every way, from the aesthetics of the cover to the recording techniques used, i wanted it to sound like i felt. although i may not have reached spiritual tranquility with this release, i feel that i achieved what i set out to do sonically, and therefore i consider this record my proudest achievement. one thing that i was told by a very dear friend of mine was that it sounds like "being at your absolute lowest point while it's a really beautiful day outside", which i think sums it up quite well. influences include weezer's pinkerton, jordaan mason's the decline of stupid fucking western civilization, and the works of daniel johnston. thank you all so much for being part of the journey thus far, as well as for the lovely support, and you can expect more spirit waves in the future! <3 <3 <3 please let me know what you think! and check out the cassettes, they're shaping up to be fucking beautiful! you can check them out over at visualdisturbances.bandcamp.com

special thx to all of the #VDCRU (i fucking love you guys!), dani, sean, john, myke, isaac, jess, shelbot, mom an' pop, erik, nick, and anyone else who's been a part of my life for the past few years. seriously, thank you.

much love,
otto xoxo <3 <3 <3 <3 <3"

[VD027]

credits

released October 13, 2015

otto william peyer iv - everything (acoustic guitars, bass guitars, electric guitars, drums, keyboards, vocals)

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Visual Disturbances

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